Things On My To Do List:
1. Move To London 2. Go To Joan Jett Concert 3. Get a Green Card 4. Visit USA 5. Finish School 6. Do A Zero Waste Week 7. Go somewhere far away for Voluntary Service 8. Act in a movie
9. Model 10. Spend a week in Taíze 11. Go To Suzi Quatro Concert 12. Visit Israel and live there for a while 13. Stay in an indian Ashram 14. Improve the art of self-defense
15. Learn italian, russian, arabic, french 16. Improve spanish and latin 17. Finish reading all the books I bought before I buy new one's again ;) 18. Visit these countries
that I have not seen yet: France, England, Portugal, Greece, Turkey, Sweden, Russia, Israel, Morokko, India, Japan, China, Taiwan, Phillipines, Thailand, Laos, Pakistan, Iran, Iraq, Yemen,
Lebanon, Syria, Australia, Egypt, Algeria, U.S.A., Canada, Colombia!, Ecuador, Peru, Chile, Bolivia, Argentina, Brazil; 19. Take action to save the environment (e.g. with Greenpeace)
20. Take action to save animals (Animal Rights Activism) 21. Get a tattoo 22. Adopt a dog
This is personal blog about my journey, joys, sorrows, goals, achievements, thoughts, dreams, poems, pictures, disease, love and life. People I meet, Things that are
interesting, upsetting, lifechanging. I blog about life's Up's and Down's and basically it's beauty. Meet me where the sun goes down.
copy back the things u wrote on the start page and paste it here. there are instruction in the codes given too. :)
you can put your twitter gadget here. if you don't want to, you can just delete this td.
Montag, 18. Juli 2011,12:33
I'm just gonna kill myself.
C'mon like anyone cared.
You didn't care when I was 15 and crying and you don't care now.
Dienstag, 28. Juni 2011,12:40
MEAT'S NOT GREEN
Mittwoch, 8. Juni 2011,11:33
Life is one of God's biggest gifts to us.
I know that.
But I failed, ok? I tried, and tried and fucking tried a thousand times. I've been at the top, I've been at the bottom, a few times, I've been everywhere in between.
I just failed. I'm a fucking loser who failed. I tried to make life special, to be good, or at least to exist (even if that meant being bad), but I'm obviously not worth it.
Still love God though.
Bye.
11:20
God
When someone says God what do you think of?
Do you just unintentionally ignore it and continue with whatever you were doing just then? Do you stop for a moment and think of churches, catholism or the pope? Do you think of a man, you heard preach about God once? But what does that all have to do with God? Why do we associate things that arent necessarily pleasant images when we hear 'God'?
If you count to one of these people, then it is because of one reason:
You don't know God. You don't know him well enough. You know an institution or people that serve him.
I don't think you would react that way if you would've let him into your life. God, and noone else.
I don't know what to feel, what to write. I don't know what to dream about. I don't know what to fight for.
How do you live without dreams?
How do you know what you want to do next?
You don't.. You just exist.
But I want to live. And I want to dream. And I want to serve God.
I'm a fucked up loser. I should quit things, but truth is.. I'm not doing anything I could quit.
I'm a hypocrite and I absolutely understand why I am not loved...
what is there to love about me?
"I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either."
Everything that once brought me joy is gone, everything I once was is gone.
The pain is gone too. The numbness. The nothingness. The dreams. The cries. The hope. The want to change. Everything is gone.
I'm just merely existing, desperately yearning for something I could die for. Something I could live for.
I don't even know what to say when I'm talking to God, because I pray for other people but when it comes to me.. why would I expect God to help me in this situation? He is helping me in everything. In surviving, in walking the streets without getting hit by a car, in living in a house instead of the streets....
And yet I screw up, over and over again. In front of him.
I want him to love me.
I know God loves sinners, but I feel more and more that he would really just be disgusted by me.
Because there's nothing really alive in me.
There's something alive in good people. There's something alive in ill people, bad people, sinners, believers, lost people, old people, young people. In everyone. But there is nothing in me. The last thing I had, the dreams, are gone.
I don't want to die and I'm not suicidal, but only.. because I don't feel like it. But I don't feel like living either. I don't feel like crying, I don't feel like laughing, I don't feel like punishing myself (althought I know I deserve it), I don't feel like doing good things to me or others, I don't feel like doing bad things to me or others. I don't feel like there would be a nothingness inside of me. I just don't feel like anything.
And even though I'm useless here, I don't feel like leaving.
I'm such a coward, I'm a hypocrite, a loser. I'm just such a weak person. And such a weak personality.
I don't know anything, I don't feel like anything...
I'm neither helping something nor being rebellous.
I'm basically not even existing, I'm vegetating.
I want to do something against it (Thats the last real thing I feel like doing) but I don't even know what or how.
I should just accept the fact that I'm useful for.. nothing.
